SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I have a question about how to handle our "anniversary" this year. It's coming up in a couple of days, and I'm feeling conflicted.

I put anniversary in quotes because I don't feel like we really have a marriage at the moment. Yes we are still legally married, and we are working on reconciliation, and making progress. However when we got married we both stood up in front of our families and friends and made oaths forsaking all others. The important part was the oaths, not signing the legal documents. She intentionally broke her oath, and we have kept this from our friends and family for the most part. I don't see how a marriage oath can be one sided, if one party breaks their oath, the entire thing is invalid in my mind.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate a day that really doesn't have the same meaning after her betrayal. Before we were celebrating the fact that we made it this many years being married. Now that I know she effectively ended our marriage, it's hard to want to celebrate this day.

On the flip side, she is really trying, and I have felt more optimistic in the past few weeks than I have in the last year. I am hesitant to bring my feelings up and focus on the affair again. I'm concerned about sabotaging reconciliation.

So I'm leaning on doing something nice that day, just because it would be us dating, but I feel like thats dishonest to not communicate my feelings and have her celebrating our anniversary when I'm just going on a date.

What would you guys do? Should I start trying to move on, and fake it till we make it type of thing? Or should I bring it up?

Theevent

We just had our 44th last week. The second since DD. My WH had asked me a couple of weeks ago if this was our 44th and my reply was no, it's our 2nd. He winced but accepted the truth of it.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate a day that really doesn't have the same meaning after her betrayal. Before we were celebrating the fact that we made it this many years being married. Now that I know she effectively ended our marriage, it's hard to want to celebrate this day.

I feel the same way. I could have been happy just ignoring it. We ended up spending it with our kids and grandkids. A nice distraction. He bought me a nice card. He's gotten pretty good at reading my emotions and I think he knew to just tread softly. Maybe you could just suggest a quieter day. No big fancy dinner. She should understand.

As far as sharing your feelings... I struggle with that too. There always seems to be a reason for me to put it off. Sometimes that's good because it gives me time to either refine my thoughts or decide that something is not really that important to bring up. Sometimes not so good because it will gnaw and fester in my head and take me out of the present. I do think it's important to talk with her, maybe now before the actual date.

[This message edited by Trumansworld at 4:57 PM, Monday, May 12th]

W was in her A on our 43rd, so our 44th was our first post-d-day anniversary. W wanted to celebrate, I didn't.

I think honesty is absolutely crucial during R, so my reco is to share your feelings and make appropriate decisions. If you have an idea of what you want, my reco is to ask for it.

I knew what I would be OK with: 1) W thinks of something she wanted to do; 2) W invites me to come along; 3) I'd go if I thought I'd have fun. She did the 1st and 2nd; I did the 3rd; we had a good time.

W also bought me flowers and chocolates. I was truly surprised and moved, and the 'silly little gifts' made me feel great about myself. They told me why I always got very lucky when I brought flowers home for my W, even though the flower shop was on my way home from the train, and the bouquets weren't expensive. Very little effort - big payoff, whoever gives the flowers, IMO.

I didn't want to celebrate our 44th, 45th, or 46th. I was half-way on board for our 47th. Since then, we've both enjoyed anniversaries. My guess is that sort of progression is common (but not universal) for couples who R.

You say you're conflicted. So be it. That's normal. You'll have to decide which way to go.

My reco is to make a choice and don't 2nd guess yourself. It will work or it won't. If it doesn't, cut the time short and go home. Going forward, do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:32 PM, Monday, May 12th]

This was literally my post a few weeks ago!

I decided to avoid my WH by going on an early morning run and not get back until he left for work, then I made sure I wasn’t home when he got home from work. But my WH worked it out pretty quick lol.

We still went on the date that he had planned for us and to be honest it was a good night in the end, even though like you I was not celebrating being married to him. I opened up about how I was feeling when we were having our dinner and it actually made the night better, not worse. I guess it helps when your wayward stops and listens and doesn’t get angry etc.

I am starting to look at anniversary’s different now. It’s not the anniversary of our marriage more a day to remind us of what we are trying to save and rebuild.

[This message edited by Webbit at 9:54 PM, Monday, May 12th]

D day was a little over 6 weeks ago for me. Our 27th anniversary is this coming Friday. I'm struggling with it, too... We made plans to go to a new restaurant that she's been wanting to check out, but as we get closer to it I'm realizing that this is not something my heart is really into. Like you, we're working on R, and it's been going as well as one would hope, but it hasn't even been 2 months since I found out about the affair. I know she'll be crushed if I tell her how I'm feeling, but damnit, she thrust this upon me. I didn't ask for it.

Pogre

I'm sorry you are on this ride with the rest of us. 6 weeks is so early. At six weeks I was a mess. It really was hell, and I was just trying to survive. I was doing the pick me dance really hard, and trying to get her to stop talking with her AP.

It wasn't until 6 months that it really sunk in what my WW did, and how little progress she had really made in that time. That was hard. Some of our worst fights happened in that time because I was starting to wake up, and she was still deep in affair thinking.

Our anniversary was a couple of weeks after D-day and I was in such a daze I just went with whatever.

We recently had our "20th" anniversary, and I was complaining on SI and to my therapist that I didn't feel like it was a real anniversary because she destroyed her vows.

My IC said something interesting. He said we are trying to reconcile, and someday it's likely we will want to celebrate this day again if R is successful. In the mean time it's important to spend quality time together to build the relationship. So I can just treat it like a regular date if I want.

I went back and forth but in the end I decided to take her out for a nice dinner because it's quality time together, and technically we are still legally married even if I don't feel that it's the same.

I didn't wear my ring though. I wore a spare ring instead. I just can't wear that ring anymore because that's the ring she gave me when we took our vows, and she broke those vows.

My first 4 anniversaries after Dday I did not even acknowledge. Last year she was passed about it and said next year we are going to celebrate it. We'll that was last week. I bought her a card and I simply wrote in it that I am hopeful that we can have more chances in the future. I don't view it as our 28th anniversary. It's 28 years that we have been together as family. She thanked me for the card but didn't get me anything (not that physical things really matter to me). As mentioned above, I feel like we are more on a reset number and the last 4 years don't really count but when/if she finally dives in hard, I will then start counting again.

I understand the feelings. I tossed my wedding ring in a fit when I found out (it's at the bottom of a lake somewhere). In response my WW worked with a local craft jeweler she's familiar with to have us make our own "new" rings which was very thoughtful. Those are now our new wedding rings. She kept her original because I did not break the vows but I honestly could not keep that original ring on my finger knowing it was given to me under circumstances that won't be the same. The effort by her to address that, I think was a great moment showing her committment to recovery and respect for my feelings so if the same occurs for anniversaries for all of you, then I'd view that as the same. My Dday was very early in the year with our anniversary later in the year so honestly with the exception of the first one stinging a bit, the ones since haven't really impacted me. Just shows us that each of our triggers are truly unique to the situation and individual. Bottom line, make sure they are treating whatever feeling you're having with respect. Mine did, which was encouraging.

If you're trying to reconcile, I think you should be honest with her about how conflicted you feel about your upcoming anniversary and discuss how to handle it together.

If she's remorseful and really doing the work to rebuild your trust and your faith in continuing the marriage, then she will handle your honesty with sensitivity and compassion. She will see your anniversary not as a celebration of the original vows that you made, but as an opportunity for her to demonstrate her renewed commitment to you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:27 PM, Thursday, June 5th]

You are much more likely to sabotage R by not expressing your true feelings than you are by bringing up the A again when it is making you feel shitty.

You shouldn't pretend to feel good just because she is making an effort. Give her credit where it is due, don't get me wrong. But what I found very helpful was getting to where I would talk to my wife about anything I was feeling before getting advice here.

You ought to be able to tell your wife how you feel, like you did in your first post here. If she read it online, she shouldn't be surprised. Maybe you aren't quite there in your R, but a little food for thought.

I’ve been married for almost 23 years. D-day was about 8 months ago. Our anniversary is fast approaching.

I feel what people are saying about the vows being broken. Yes, it invalidates the marriage on some level.

However, there are also other vows that are equally important. Like for better or for worse.

Surely this is what worse looks like.

For me, I feel like I (we even) deserve credit for the time spent in reconciliation. We’re not fixed. We’re not perfect. We may not make it. In fact if I had to guess, I would say we don’t make it through this.

Call it rug sweeping, call it delusional, call it hiding my true feelings. I can take a day off from being miserable to spend some time with my wife (as long as she’s willing to meet me half way). There’s no reason we can’t use this day to build a better relationship than the one we have.

[This message edited by 4characters at 7:38 PM, Tuesday, June 10th]

As far as sharing your feelings... I struggle with that too. There always seems to be a reason for me to put it off. Sometimes that's good because it gives me time to either refine my thoughts or decide that something is not really that important to bring up. Sometimes not so good because it will gnaw and fester in my head and take me out of the present. I do think it's important to talk with her, maybe now before the actual date.

I do this as well. And yes it's a double edged sword because sometimes I am able to work through things myself and don't need to bring it up, usually by journaling it out, but other times it gnaws at me causing me a lot of stress.

I was having an issue like that this week. Instead of stressing about it for the rest of the day and then talking to her about it after a day of stressing, I decided that there is no reason I need to go through the day all stressed out when I could just bring it up directly. I brought it up, the conversation didn't turn into a fight but was not comfortable either. It can be uncomfortable holding your boundaries. Overall I think it worked out well.

I am starting to look at anniversary’s different now. It’s not the anniversary of our marriage more a day to remind us of what we are trying to save and rebuild.

This is the view I'm taking on it as well. Seeing it as a chance to build our relationship and give reconciliation the best chance possible. If it still fails I can say I did my best anyway.

I feel like we are more on a reset number and the last 4 years don't really count

It's the same for me. I feel like our actual marriage ended in 2023 when she chose to have an affair. I view it as we are technically legally married, and working on feeling like that again, but currently we are common law married since our vows are broken (one side breaks them they are broken for both sides).

I honestly could not keep that original ring on my finger knowing it was given to me under circumstances that won't be the same

I have not worn my actual wedding ring for months for the same reason. I'm not in the space where I need to demonstrate my feelings about this to her by getting rid of the ring, but I also don't feel like it's right to wear it. I think she understands. She has never asked me about it.

If you're trying to reconcile, I think you should be honest with her about how conflicted you feel about your upcoming anniversary and discuss how to handle it together.

You are much more likely to sabotage R by not expressing your true feelings than you are by bringing up the A again when it is making you feel shitty.

You shouldn't pretend to feel good just because she is making an effort. Give her credit where it is due, don't get me wrong. But what I found very helpful was getting to where I would talk to my wife about anything I was feeling before getting advice here.

I do think it's important to talk with her, maybe now before the actual date.

It seems like the consensus here and in other threads, is to be open about your feelings to your wayward spouse. I do struggle with this. I struggle with what I feel like is walking a fine line between me expressing myself, and me just saying things that will hurt her. It doesn't feel productive to just say things I know will hurt her for the sake of saying them, or for the sake of expressing myself.

I also struggle with bringing us back to harder times by saying stuff. For example before the conversation I decided to have this week, we were doing very well. Enjoying life and each other. It was hard for me to want to say anything and pop that happy bubble we have finally inflated. But things do need to be said...

How do you all find this balance? Where do you draw that line?